The Choice To Get Up
At the age of 19 I began the adventure of discovering who I really am. I took many different turns, twists, faced obstacles, and overcame them all. I allowed myself to try every box, every job, and every thrill in this life. I embedded myself in different stories, experiences and people. I allowed myself to fail, admit when I was deeply disappointed, wrong, and continued to choose to get back up.
I did everything I could to fit the expectations of a world that would never love me the way I wanted it to. I sacrificed the deepest parts of myself for love, affection, and belonging. I allowed my voice to conform to the echo of culture, and everyone around me. I said yes when I wanted to say no, I allowed myself to be pushed into silent submission. Until one day I told myself. There is a reason I am here. There is a purpose to my pain. There is a reason to continue and I need to find it.
I began to seek God, turns out He was always seeking me. I began to ask questions about myself, my identity. I began to question everything I knew and I allowed the foundation I had built to crumble. Every piece. Every dream, every expectation. I allowed it all to shatter. Then I sat. I sat with the grief. I sat with the disappointment, I sat with the self betrayal. I allowed myself to be angry. Really angry, I poured our heartfelt and prayers full of words I would never say on a regular day. I allowed myself to grieve. Deeply grieve. Then I told myself. It was time to let go. It was time to begin again, it was time to set out on the next grand adventure which was allowing myself to become the woman God has always destined and called me to be. I chose to get up. Get up from the floor, the broken relationships, the searing disappointments, the horrific choices I made, the hurt I caused and the hurt that i was dealt. I chose to forgive.
I chose to forgive my parents as they had forgiven me. I chose to forgive all of my ex partners and abusers. I chose to say I’m sorry, will you forgive me? I chose to say “God help me” I chose to be free. I chose to begin the process of forgiving myself, I chose to partner with God in the breaking of the chains that bound me and begin to release the voice instilled within me. I chose to let go of my pain, because God said so clearly. “I have a better plan for you, I have good things for you, I have a family for you, I have a calling for you, will you trust me?”
It took a lot to get to the surrender of yes. It took a lot to get to begin to let go of the idea of what I wanted and embrace Gods knowing and believing He knows best. But I’m here. I’m here in a different way. I’m here in a way where I have healed from some of the things I thought I could never let go of. I’m here in a way where the identities of this world will never claim me again. I’m here in the now, trusting in the promises of God, I’m here in the continuous letting go of my life and the acceptance of the new life that is in front of me.
I share this part of my story to say. Don't be afraid to let go, while it is painful it is freedom. It is liberation. It is the realization of your dreams, who you are and what you are called to do in this very short yet beautiful life.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you says The Lord, plans to prosper you, to bring you hope and future.”
Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.”
John 5:8 “Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”
John 8: 10-11 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
