In my cry of unbelief, He answered me.

I have often wondered why people don’t believe in God. Even when I was far from Him I knew in my heart He existed. As I’ve grown older, hear stories of heartache and terror. I come to realize my deeper need for Him. Need and belief can be different.

When I sat with God for the first time in my one-bedroom apartment three years ago,  surrounded by the ruins of my own choices and the choices I could not control. I did not believe in Him but I needed Him. I needed the silent comfort that came from his presence. I needed His voice to calm mine down, and I needed His embrace to break open mine. I needed all of these things but I did not always believe in them. I don’t blame you if you don’t believe in God. This world is hard, painful, merciless at times, and broken.

I remember the first time I really prayed. I said to God, I don’t care about what you’ve done, but I heard you can heal people, will you heal me? Little did I know that prayer that was prayed between heavy sobs, and at times inconsolable grief was a prayer of great faith. There is a verse in the Bible that talks about having the faith of a mustard seed. That day I had a sliver of that mustard seed, and I chose to utter the words that would begin to change my life forever. In my own words, I began to pray, “I believe, and help my unbelief. ”

I tend to stray from the idea of unbelief. It seems cruel to tell God I don’t believe in you, but often I find His welcoming presence in the cry of unbelief.

In my attempt to be perfect, I forget God.

I’m someone who longs to be invincible, and as I grow, change, and let go. I’ve come to realize I am human.

Flawed, broken, whole, and fragile.

It’s much easier for me to cry out to God when I desperately need Him, rather than every hour of every day. It takes death to my pride to realize over and over how much I need Him. We are not made to do life alone, and for years I tried too. The happy faces I would share on social media, while behind the scenes I was lost. I was alone, and I was hurting. Now three years later, it’s better. Is it perfect? No, but it is good. It’s beautiful, it’s learning how to live a day at a time, and it’s grieving the past while looking expectantly to the future. There is a passage in scripture that invites me in a little more each time I read it.  Luke 5:31-32 - “Jesus answered them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” That verse can sting, it invited me to look at myself and say I’m not all that great, but I’m also not that bad. I need a savior, and to be in need of the King of the Universe is not a bad thing, it’s a beautiful, just, and holy thing. I’ll never get it 100% right, and I’ll always mess up, but I am invited and reminded that to be human in the face of a Holy God is a good thing.

Come

Come boldly before the face of God

Come hungry

Come tired

Come as you are

Undone

Broken

Seeking

Searching

Hoping

Come

For He is waiting.

-LPM

Poem written 11/14/22

Post written April 2023

Photos taken March 2023