My Testimony

There is a lot I could say, but no amount of what God has done in my life has enough words. Today, I want to speak to the woman searching for her identity, searching for belonging, searching for love. That was my story, every decision I made, and my view of the world. 

I was adopted from China at six months old by two loving parents who had their struggles and hardships before I got there. I was very sick, and I almost died. Growing up I struggled with speech development, social cues, and awareness. This caused problems for me in school. This also was the beginning of the lie “You are not enough”. I struggled in school, I wasn’t able to pay attention for long periods, I often rebelled against my teachers and found myself fighting to fit in everywhere, doing whatever I had to “to belong.” At 18 years old my parents told me I want you to enlist in the military if you want to go to college. At the time, everyone else around me was going to college, had been accepted to one, or had a different plan for their life. 

Then there was me, desperate for escape from my home life and feeling pulled to make a decision I chose to enlist. I was enlisted for four years, went through training, and graduated but I still felt unfulfilled, confused, and lost. 

At this point, I was in my early twenties and I had more decision-making power. I was free from my parents and I was becoming less influenced by those around me. I was also in a lot of pain. I had never dealt with the rejection, abuse, or abandonment that I dealt with growing up from others. Instead of addressing the pain, I ran. I ran into the arms of the world. I allowed myself to lose every piece of myself to sex, drugs, different industries, and people. I lost every piece of my God-given identity and began to take on the name of others, of my pain, my abuse, my anger, my rejection, and my longing for love. I allowed myself to fall deep into the arms of men who didn’t love me, people, and things who didn’t care for me, and I allowed all of that to become my God. For seven years this went on. I went from man to man, house to house, industry to industry, city to city, always searching. Searching for that one thing. “Who am I?” Can someone tell me who I am and what I was made for?” This was a question that drove every choice I made. 

At 25 years old my life began to fall apart around me. My mental health was the worst it had ever been. I was on the road, living with strangers, and high almost every day on pills. I was lost. I was broken and I knew I needed to change. But I wasn’t ready yet. In 2020 when the pandemic hit I lost all my touring gigs in the music industry and I was forced to sit with my pain. I didn’t want to, it was too much, so I ran into another relationship. But this time it was with a woman. I had been assaulted, abused, and left by men, I thought to myself “She will love me, she will get it” At this time I had started to read the Bible and return to the scriptures I grew up with. That soon fell away when I decided to enter into this relationship. For six months we dated, and I remember losing more and more of myself, asking myself, is this right? Am I making the right choice here? I knew deep down I wasn’t. Every Sunday even laying in their bed I would read the Bible app, I would study scripture, I would watch pastors on YouTube, and I would pray. Eventually, the church opened up and I started to go. I remember how uncomfortable I felt, God was pulling me to himself. He was calling me out and calling me in. I couldn’t resist it anymore, and so I chose to start walking towards him. 

It didn’t happen immediately, I was still involved with that relationship for some time, but finally on October 11th 2020, I woke up with a burning in my heart that I needed to make a choice. So I did, I walked alone to my church at the time to get baptized. I remember stepping into the water and rather than rejoicing, grieving. A deep grief fell over me and I can now say. It was the Holy Spirit. Weeping for me, weeping for my pain, weeping for my soul, and it overcame me. Even after that I returned to that relationship because I was used to toxicity. I was used to cycles and it was not until October 31st, 2020 that I reached the end of myself. 

That night I went to their house. I remember feeling like I shouldn’t go, but I chose to anyway. That night something horrific took place for me and I was broken. I remember wanting to die, no longer wanting to live, and desperately saying to God, I cannot do this anymore. I cannot live like this, please kill me. I remember Him kneeling to meet me on the floor where I was, a shell of myself, a broken woman, and a needy woman desperate for the hem of her God's robe. I called out in faith that day. I said, “God I heard you can heal people, will you heal me?” 

He heard me. At that moment my journey to wholeness, healing, and new identity began. It was not easy. For four years I wrestled before the Lord, I brought him everything. I was angry. I was angry at God for my upbringing. I was angry at Him for what I believed and thought was Him. He never pushed me away, no matter how often I ran, left, or fought. He held on. He held on as I cried into his arms, he held on as I walked through painful forgiveness prayers, he held my hand as I walked to who I truly was and left behind everything I wasn’t. He held on, and to this day He still is. If I were to wait until my idea of restoration was complete I would be keeping the light from others who need to know my God is a healer, a lover of my soul, a friend, a Father, and a redeemer. Today, God is in the business of restoration. I have a loving church family, a wonderful community of people, and even redemption with my parents. I have what I need, and I’m still growing, I’m still changing, and I’m still learning how to do this whole thing with Jesus. 

I have shied away from sharing my story because of fear. If I had it my way I would keep all of this to myself, hiding the reality of what my life was to protect my image, preserve my name. But God. Jesus is worthy of the telling of my story. He is worth the sharing of His story in my life. 

He doesn’t need much from you, He just needs one simple prayer, and He will do the rest. He loves you, He longs for you, and He is waiting for you. 

Romans 10:13 

“Everyone who calls on the name of The Lord will be saved.”

Mark 5: 28

“If I can just touch His robe, I will be healed. Immediately the bleeding stopped, and she could feel in her body that she had been healed of her terrible condition.”