Learning To Love Yourself For The First Time
I have found myself peering through the windows of the past.
Thinking about what I could have done differently, thinking about what would have happened if I would have said, no, or said yes. I’m still living in Chicago, and to be honest sometimes I’m still not thrilled about it. It’s hard to live in a city where you lost so much but also started a whole new journey. Part of me still just wants out, but I have learned the hard way that I cannot move away from my problems. This time last year I was ending a relationship with someone who I thought was going to be in my life for the long haul. Sometimes people we think will be, more than often will not be. You see, people grow, people change, and people move on.
My whole life I struggled with the idea of Self Love, the idea of putting myself first because I thought it was selfish. Growing up I was taught that it was selfish, I didn’t know any different. I was also taught that I needed to earn love, like nothing could ever be enough. This led to many of my relationship choices too. I was always dating people that I felt like I had to perform for, or be anyone but myself. This was also because I had no idea who I was or whose I was. It’s true what they say about how difficult it is to love another if you don’t fully love yourself. Self love is not this magical fantasy of bubble baths and shopping sprees. No, it’s going to therapy, it’s joining a support group, it’s acknowledging your bad habits and then making the painful decision to stop them. It’s sitting in your one bedroom apartment calling out to a God that doesn’t seem to be listening even though He always is. It’s cursing your past and praying for help to rebuild your future. It’s leaving behind everyone you want to take with you and accepting the ones who are ready to join you.
It’s looking at yourself and saying “hey you’re not that bad, But you’re also not that great.” It’s learning how to live on a budget, it’s learning how to eat right, it’s learning how to be comfortable with rejection and the idea that this world is not built to serve or like you. It’s sitting in the grief, the pain, the mistakes, the horror of your past and learning how to walk away from it all. It’s letting go of letters and photos from exes and old friends. Choosing to no longer ask yourself what could you have done differently, it’s accepting the end and saying hello everyday to a brand new beginning. Learning how to say no to the ones who are used to your yes. Going to bed early, waking up to go on a pitiful run, but high-fiving yourself because at least you did it. It’s the hard stuff, it’s the rough stuff, but it’s also the beautiful stuff. It brings life to you, it’s the hope that life will get better and you will too. It’s this idea that you have so much more ahead of you, and as you sit in front of your therapist with a tissue box in hand or say too much in your support group, it’s this idea that you’re finally healing. In the moments where I’m too vulnerable I think to myself, at least I’m being honest, at least I’m healing, at least I’m here.
I think far too often I look at healing as this large checklist, kinda like how I used to look at life. Once I get this, I’ll be happy, once I get this relationship I’ll be good, once people notice me I’ll feel worthy. I’ve had all of those things and at the end of the day they could never fill the God shaped hole of healing, love, and redemption that I needed. My journey of self love has come with the hard work of admitting I needed help, and that I still do. It’s letting go of the labels, the expectations, and the dreams that can no longer be. It’s been accepting where I am and believing in what will be. There is so much freedom in knowing that I don’t have to figure it all out, I don’t have to try, because my future is held in the hands of the one who wrote it before I even began to pick up this new dream or type something out with these battered and worn hands. My Self Love journey has been anything but lovely, but that’s okay because I’m also learning that beautiful things can come from broken ones.
Written in August 2021.
Love,
Lily